My Mammogram or should I call it “My Fear of Soul Crushing Embarrassment”

There are many paths to knowledge, but I choose the one that engenders the least amount of fear.

Two months ago my daughters gathered together to stage an intervention.  They begged me to get a mammogram.  I hadn’t had one in three years and my mother had died of breast cancer.  I did not want to get one. I know in my heart and from experience that if something is wrong with me it will manifest in a way that I can clear it through The Path to Heal.  But they let me know that they were anxious, so I said that I would do it for them.  I called the radiologist to schedule an appointment on 5 separate occasions.  Each time the phone was disconnected.  I finally told my oldest daughter Catie that if she wanted me to get one, she would have to schedule the appointment as I wasn’t able to get through. So she made the call, got through right away, and had me scheduled for the next week.

On Tuesday I had the mammogram.  On Wednesday I got the dreaded call that something had been found.  On Thursday I was scheduled for the diagnostic mammogram.  Mild panic set in.  What if it is cancer?  What would that do to me and my livliehood?  Although my heart told me that nothing was going on, fear was rampant in my brain.  After my second mammogram, I sat in a waiting room until I was told to go for an ultrasound.  During the ultrasound I realized that something was still up because the tech was scanning one area over and over again.

Eventually the doctor came in, let me know that I had a small nodule, most likely benign but needed a biopsy, because as she said, cancer can hide in benign looking places.  This news was better that the worst that I had been imagining so my mild panic became a mild fear.

I am very grateful to Path practitioner, Joanna Chodorowka, who gave me Path sessions daily during this stressful time.  It was a time of great learning and creativity for The Path as I was trying to rid myself of all remaining fear.  Each day I chipped away at another layer of fear.  Each day we affirmed that the nodule was “nothingness.”  But I was still very stressed, and my back went out as a result.  My first biopsy got postponed as we had an ice storm and I couldn’t get out of my driveway.  I took this as a sign to do another week of Path’s sessions clearing my remaining blocks to complete health.  The state of my back helped me gauge how much fear was left to clear.

At last the dreaded morning came.  I went to the doctor and felt my heart racing while I was waiting.  And then the big “aha”.  I was not just afraid of cancer, I was afraid of the soul crushing embarrassment that cancer would cause me.  How could I help others heal if I had missed this in myself?  Would I have to hide the cancer and keep working during chemo to support my family? Would The Path to Heal die a death as I would with cancer–truly soul crushing pain and embarrassment.

The nurse took me into the exam room. My blood pressure was sky-high. I knew that my anxiety was not because of the needle, it was the fear of this deep embarrassment if the news was bad.

The doctor came in and started the procedure. I could see everything on the screen in front of me and I was fascinated.  She marked the spot, the needle went in, I was biopsied.  The spot looked like the same black shadow I saw in others portions of my breast.  When she was done I said to her, “it looked like a whole bunch of nothing to me.”  The doctor actually concurred and said that it looked like a whole bunch of nothing to her too.  With full conviction she told me that it looked nothing like cancer and that I had nothing to worry about.  But I still had to wait for final confirmation from the lab.  She then shuffled me off for one more mammogram and I was done.  Three days later I received confirmation from my very nice doctor that it was a tiny benign fibroid adenoma and that no further follow-up was needed.  She then told me to go on with my life and forget about them for a while.

I feel so blessed to have created The Path to Heal so that I do not have to go through fear generating procedures again.  One comes for a Path. If there is dysfunction that needs to be removed, it will show up as a fear or a mild physical manifestation in the session.  The derivation of the dysfunction will be identified in the session and the emotions associated with the wound will clear. The body will release its constriction and return to  health.  Never are we told in a Path session to worry about a future test result. Without fear, all of our light radiates from us.  All dysfunction is healed.

I also feel very blessed to have three wonderful daughters who care so much about me.  I will now tell my children that the energy of mammography does not resonate with me and I that at least for now I will not get another one. If my kids choose to, I will support their decision to get mammograms in the future – their choices are good for them and mine are good for me.  I have no problem standing my ground with others, but my kids are a little harder.  But one must be enthusiastically oneself in front of all audiences, and often it is hardest around our loved ones because they love us so much.

One of the basic premises of The Path is that we do not have to struggle. That is not to say that we do not experience things that we do not enjoy.  We need the contrast of “the lack of enjoyment” so that we can discover what gives us joy.  But it is when we choose to do the things that do not give us joy again out of a belief that we should do these things that we create struggle and pain.

In the past, mammograms have been mildly unpleasant for me.  I didn’t enjoy being in the doctor’s waiting room.  I didn’t enjoy having my breast tissue squeezed – but all of that was only mildly unpleasant.  However, out of a sense of obligation to my children I chose to get another mammogram even though there was no part of me that wanted one.

That’s when the struggle and pain arose.  The unclear result, more tests, fear of cancer, a medical procedure, waiting for lab results, and finally an $8000 bill for the procedure and only $3000 of it was covered by my high deductible insurance policy.  The pain arose when I did not listen to my heart and stopped following my bliss.  The contrast grew deeper so that I would have clearer signs to help me understand my heart.

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